My First Post Separation Christmas: 3 Challenges & 3 Blessings

Dec 24th, 2009 Written By Cheryl Smith

It’s Christmas Eve. For weeks (or days or hours) some of us have been making preparations for the holidays. Christmas is many things to many people. Among other things, it’s a season to celebrate with family and friends.

And there’s the rub for people in the midst of divorce. Family, friends and traditions change. Drastically.

For the last couple of days I’ve been reminded of what my first post-separation Christmas was like. Difficult.

As I write this, I’m at a completely different place in life. Remarried. Blending a family with four children. Loving work and life. Through it all, God has been faithful. But for some reason, I feel compelled to remember that first Christmas as a single mom.

Perhaps if you’re in a similar space you’ll recognize you aren’t alone. Or maybe you’re happily married, or happily single. Show some love to those in the midst of divorce and single parenting this Christmas.

My (First) Post-Separation Christmas Challenges
My ex husband and I separated when our children were very small. Our daughter was two and our son was two weeks old. That was in March of 1998. The months that followed were the most difficult of my life. Everything was challenging.

Family changed. Initially after the separation, we said we’d keep in touch. Things would be the same. We loved each other and the divorce was not about them.Reality was a different story. Despite efforts to keep in touch, we grew apart and it wasn’t anyone’s fault. That Christmas there was a sadness and a sense of grief at the loss of relationship with a grandmother, aunts & uncles, cousins, and yes, even in-laws.
Holiday traditions were awkward. The sight of streets and streets of luminaries brought tears of sadness, rather than tears of joy like usual. Dinners, brunches and even the beloved Celtic Christmas Eve service felt awkward and lonely. I was isolated yet surrounded by a sea of friends. The loneliness was deeper and more painful than any I’d known before or since.
Stress was palpable. Money was scarce. Our kids were so small that the inability to buy presents wasn’t really the issue. Uncertainty was. I was looking for a full-time job. Days before Christmas he was fired. We had two residences living on my meager part-time income and the providence of God. We had not yet been to court to determine custody nor child support. We had sold our house and the kids and I had to be in a new place within 45 days. Imagine trying to find an apartment not knowing where you would be working, what kind of income you would be making and not knowing what money you would be receiving in child support. I was STRESSED OUT!

Friends Gave Unexpected Blessings
I’ve been journaling since I was 12 years old. It’s a good thing because my memory couldn’t possibly contain all the important events I want to remember. While writing this post, I pulled out my journal from that first Christmas and was reminded of two blessings I had forgotten. The third I didn’t forget because of a tangible reminder.

A baby doll for Hannah. A long-time friend/the mom of a co-worker, Julia Clingenpeel, gave me a baby doll to give to my nearly three-year old daughter for Christmas. Even now, the thought brings me to tears because there is no way I could have bought such a gift for my brown eyed girl.
A Ham for meals. Another friend, Laura Proffitt, received a ham and a turkey from her employer. She gave the ham to us, very likely not fully realizing it would be our mainstay for days of meals. Before the separation, I never imagined a ham would be such a blessing!
A journal for my thoughts. After the kids went to their dad’s apartment on Christmas Day, dear friends Andy & Sheila Andrews invited me to spend the day with their family so I wouldn’t be alone. Being with them was gift enough, yet they touched me even greater by giving a gift that still blesses me to this day. A journal. My then current journal had only a few more blank pages and I didn’t have even enough money to buy a new one. They had no idea!

The Greatest Unexpected Blessing
Many of you are in difficult places this holiday. Divorce, deaths, job loss, uncertainty. Life is hard and challenges are real. I’m sorry. It stinks. This one thing I know. God is enough. He alone is Faithful.

This season may you know and experience Emmanuel – God With Us. Truly, the fact that God left a home in heaven to come to earth as helpless baby Jesus, who grew, taught us how to live, died on a cross for us, rose again after three days and now lives in us through the power of His Holy Spirit is the greatest unexpected blessing of all.

Your Response

What about the holidays is particularly challenging for you?
What unexpected blessings have you received that were particularly meaningful?
And if you’re in a good place, a place of abundance, how can you give an unexpected blessing to someone this Christmas?

Cheryl Smith

Julia,

Thank you so much for taking the time to ready my blog and leave a comment. You words, then and now, are such an encouragement to me!

God is good - beyond what we can even imagine, isn't He?

NameJulia Clingenpeel

As I was going through the first stages of divorce I very clearly heard the Lord speak to my heart "You are going through the waters, but you will not be overcome, you are going through the fire but you will not smell like smoke." Actually the Lord told Israel this in Isaiah 43:2, and in Daniel 3:27 when Shadrach, Meshrach, Meshach came out of the fire "the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed, and there was no smell of fire on them". In my pain I could believe this only through faith, but through faith I clung to it. A few years later as I was then a member of a different church family, our pastor told me that many of the members did not know my past and he encouraged me to share it with others in their pain as the occasion arose. To my amazement, as I would share my experience with others there were times that they, without my telling them what the Lord had told me about the waters and the fire, would say "you don't smell like smoke". That would amaze me because this is not something that people would normally say in our everyday language. Each time this happened it was as though the Lord was speaking through them to tell me "I've done just as I promised you I would do". Now years have gone by, the Lord has so wonderfully repaid what the locusts had eaten (Joel 2:25-27)that the pain of the past is as though it were something I read about and not really a part of my life, and He has given my life beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning(Isaiah 61:3). I relate all this to say that you are a beautiful example of "not smelling like smoke", and you are also a beautiful example of Isaiah 61 of one of those comforted who mourned, bestowed a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of a spirit of dispair, you are a display of His splendor, lovely Daughter of Zion.

Cynthia S.

Wow this is a great article and so can relate to it with the passing of my father in Sept. 09 so, this was the first Christmas with out him. I was able to spread the word and joy because of the strong belief

Chris Cree

Cheryl, Thanks for reminding us that some are struggling with loss this holiday season.

And thanks also for inviting my wife

John Clark

Having 4 days off from work is a blessing of a break from the everyday wear and tear. On the flip side, sitting at home, watching movies, playing on the internet can be boring and lonely. My family is spread out and lives atleast 2.5 hours away and sharing a teenager makes it harder to schedule going out of town. I want to spend time with him and still allow him to share his time with his mom.

I have great friends from church and it makes the holidays better. I'll be attending the Celtic Christmas Eve Service tonight with my extended church family. Was invited to help at the Lynchburg Daily Bread tomorrow morning preparing and serving meals to those not as well off as we are and then attending a Christmas Dinner with the same friends at one of their family member's home.

I have God, my health, a job, a great son and wonderful friends. What more could a guy want?... See More

Thanks for thinking about us Cheryl

Laurie Nutter

This makes me cry, Cheryl. I'm so glad you and your children are in a better place. Thanks for writing this. It makes me much more sensitive to people who might be going through really painful times now.

Nancy Sutherland

I can relate to this story as it was very similar to my own in 1994. I had unexpected blessings that year as well. Many things have changed in my life since then, but God has been faithful. He is hope for the hopeless, and comfort for all who are hurting this time of year.
This year some family issues with one of my children is causing unexpected pain for me. I have no resolution for the situation except to pray.
May everyone who is experiencing any kind of difficulty this year turn to the Lord for peace, comfort, and love. He will provide it! Merry Christmas!

My First Post Separation Christmas: 3 Challenges & 3 Blessings

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