When my ex-husband and I first separated and divorced, time away from my two children was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to deal with. I distinctly thought, “this is not what I signed up for!”

I vividly remember sitting face-to-face on the floor with my two year old daughter, trying to explain “together” and “apart” in the best way I knew at the time. I held her feet, tucked neatly inside small navy canvas Keds tennis shoes (the ones with the white leather trim), and put them together. “Together,” I would say. Then I pulled them apart. “Apart.”

“Together…Apart.”

“Together…Apart.”

It was gut wrenching.

Eventually, however, I recognized that I didn’t really have much of a say in the matter. The judge ordered visitation and we worked out a schedule. (When the kids were small, they were with their dad Tu/Thu one week, Tu/wknd the next, etc.) As hard as it was to admit, my children needed to spend time with their dad, and I needed an occasional break. So, I could either be bitter, or make the best use of the time apart. I decided to use that time to take care of me. I often did things that I couldn’t do with two small children in tow.

A Few Ways I Spent My Alone Time

• Went to the grocery story. It’s amazing how much less stressful a solo trip to Kroger can be.
• Gave myself a pedicure. As a single mom, I couldn’t afford the luxury of a salon pedi, so I did it myself.
• Took bubble baths – uninterrupted.
• Carved out special time with girlfriends.
• Dated. For the first year and a half, I didn’t date at all. When I finally began dating, I did so on the nights my kids were with their dad. I didn’t have to worry about introducing them to dating relationships too quickly.

One of the best things I did for myself while the kids were away, was maintained my relationship with God. I often used the time to read my Bible and journal my hopes, fears and prayers.

Fast Forward
Today I’m no longer a single mom. Peter and I have been married for four years and are blending a family with four children. My ex-husband now lives several states away so my two children (now 14 and 12) are with us all the time except for summers and holidays. We have my two step-children (12 and 10) four nights a week. Life is busier than ever!

My kids are in the middle of their six-week (maybe longer) visit with their dad. I miss being with them, particularly because the hectic routine of school and homework isn’t an issue during the lazy days of summer. If they were home, they could be on the swim team, go to youth camp with the kids from church and generally spend time bonding with their friends. And we could enjoy some much-needed family play time.

But “if” is a really big word.

Lately I’ve needed a reminder that I can still choose to make the most of the time we’re apart.

Here’s How I’ve Managed So Far:

• Date nights. Peter and I have enjoyed our alone time together (three nights every week) this summer, perhaps more than any of the years since we’ve been married. Note to self: plan at least one killer date…
• Girl time. I’ve managed a few lunches, coffee breaks and evenings with friends. Heck, I even went on a weekend getaway with several girlfriends. It’s true what “they” say. “No matter how old you are, you always need girlfriends.”
• Bonding with my step-daughter. This has been the best surprise of my summer. Parenting is hard. Step parenting is even harder. Way. Hard. Seeing that beautiful 10 year-old girl in the pool wave to me and smile when I picked her up from swim practice the other day let me know that I’m getting there. Little by little.
• My relationship with God. I continue to journal my hopes, fears and prayers. And I’ve come to realize that journaling is the way I best process the ups and downs of life and faith.
• I’d like to say I’m making progress on my summer reading list, but I still have a few more weeks left for that…

What about you?
How do you make the best use of time apart from your children? What other suggestions or observations do you have for me?

Creative Commons photo Lemons into Lemonade by gretchichi on Flickr.